My Open Diary

As I lie awake at night holding my broken, my mind tries to hurdle over the thoughts that keep me up. 

I look at the clock and it is almost midnight. I type of all this on my phone because I am too exhausted to grab my laptop. Five minutes ago I just went through all of my clothes and got rid of 4 bags.

My anxiety and depression linger in the deepest parts of my mind, as I try to rid myself of so much stuff. Why am I up so late ridding myself of all of those clothes?

 I realize holding on to things I do not need does not serve me, such as the memories some of those clothes have. Memories of a love wasted into the abyss; those fuzzy cat pajamas that he got me one Christmas a long time ago. Why hold on to such things? 

Most nights I cry myself to sleep and wish I was somewhere else. It’s not like my life is terrible, I just want to run away from my broken heart. A heart that after 8 months of torture still has not been mended. A sewing needle cannot even mend it because he was supposed to be the one. I suppose a lot of people may think, “oh she is the one or he is the one.” I have become accustomed to disappointment now. Is there really a “one”? 

My life has been riddled with disappointment after disappointment. My childhood consisted of sexual, emotional, and physical abuse. I can remember lying awake at night at the age of six starving. My so-called grandma did not feed us all the time. The pain of literally being starved to death is unnatural. 

In my 30 years of living, I have seen so many horrible things happen to others and watched as others tormented me.

I do not see how I can keep going at this rate, but for some reason I do. You can call it divine intervention or spiritual support. I know that I am guided by some supreme being that keeps me in this world. However, I want to give up but I must keep going. At the core of my being is a strong person waiting to come out. 

My open diary is raw and emotional. I will not hide myself from the world any longer. My pain has been put on this blog because I want others to gain solace from my words. 

You are not alone in your pain and one day, you will be okay. It may not seem like you will be okay at this moment, but there is always a ray of hope on the darkest of times. You can look at me for example, I am two months away from getting my Bachelor’s of English degree. I still went to school despite my depression and anxiety wanting to cripple me.
Please, if you can take anything away from this post, take a little piece of my positivity in the darkness with you. There is always a rainbow after the storm.

If you or anyone else you know is having suicidal thoughts, please call the number below. Your life matters and you belong in this world. 

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