My Fear of Going out in Public Alone  

By: Brittany Gonzales 

The tense feeling, I get when I am in public alone makes my anxiety flare. I have lived a sheltered life growing up and had a bad childhood. Throughout the years I have reflected a lot on my anxiety triggers. In my worst times my anxiety was so bad my body became numb, and my kidneys hurt. I was like a ball of rubber bands wound up so tight I could not function.  

Having severe anxiety and depression caused me to go inward within myself. Not knowing this was not healthy, it went on for most of my life. My guardians in my childhood did not protect me and hurt me as well. I did not know how to cope.  I never felt truly loved by anyone. It took several years to let anyone in.

Further, how can someone emotionally and physically abuse a child is beyond me. I became an angry person too and did not care about myself. I am telling a shortened version of my life because I know it will help others. To get even more personal I was almost successful in killing myself when I was twenty-two years old.  

 Luckily, I made myself throw up all the pills I swallowed. I never thought I would make it past twenty-five. I do not necessarily want sympathy; I want others to know mental health and suicidal thoughts need to be talked about.  

You must fight those thoughts and not let them take over your life. I had enough fight in me to not let myself fade away even if seemed easier. I still have suicidal thoughts, but never want to act on them. I think having the blues just makes those thoughts come back even if you don’t act on them. Then I remember how lying on that cold floor made me feel lonely and discarded. Such a near death experience has brought a whole new wisdom to my life. A wisdom I want to use to help others.  

*Disclaimer: most of my thoughts are my own. I am not a professional, but a genuine soul who was put on this earth to help others. *  

Please do not hesitate to reach out to me by emailing Or if you need immediate help and are in danger, contact the hotline below. 

Remember we are in this fight together and I still have those negative thoughts creep in.  

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