(Warning: Talks about things, that may not be suitable for children)
For years I have dealt with my childhood trauma from the sinful hands of my attackers. I have gone through life in a dissociative manner, never genuinely feeling whole or alive. My trauma led me to disconnect from reality to the point I could not tell if I was alive. I will not go into all the details of my trauma, but it took my innocence from me from five through twelve years old. I have had two attackers that were supposed to be trustworthy, but a wolf in sheep’s clothing will reveal themselves eventually. Since then, I have been trying to escape my thoughts and never dealt with my depression and anxiety that stemmed from the trauma.
Trauma can shackle you and consume you only if you let it happen; you have control and can manage it at your own pace.
The bad things that have happened to me have made me wiser, and I never resorted to doing harmful activities or being a bad person. I could have led a life of being on the streets high on drugs or prostitution. Instead, I managed to survive this horrible world we live in, fighting to stop all my demons from tormenting me. Moreover, it is paramount to realize that the world is awful and can also be beautiful. I choose to surround myself with beauty, optimistic like-minded people and only live a life I design.
I have learned a good practice is to take your pain in baby steps. You will not be cured in one fell swoop; it takes time to heal from your pain. Be forewarned that you will never forget your trauma or recover from it, but you can learn to live with it and not let it consume you. First, acknowledge your trauma and its existence as something horrendous. You are not guilty of your trauma, it was done to you, this could not be helped. Second, this is the beginning of your healing process after you acknowledge it. The healing process takes time, and there are steps involved. Those steps depend on you and your circumstances.
My steps are acknowledging my trauma, writing about it in my journal (very therapeutic for me), seeing a psychiatrist (yet to do this step), surrounding myself with positivity and family, doing activities I love, etc. What are the steps that will help you heal? Take each step one at a time and breath.
Poem “Dream the Pain Away” by me
Incapable of developing tears, the battle in her subsides,
The years have not been grand; this has caused doom and gloom,
She locks her hurt away and stands; the pain will not consume her,
She no longer gives in to fears; the pain is currently on the wayside,
Ambition is her main obsession, the past she will escape,
This with upmost fervent aggression, as her dreams form into shape,
Dreams of teaching and writing stories, Dreams of true love and bliss,
Dreams of having happy memories, Dreams of no longer living in defeat,
Stepping out of the grey and into the light.
This poem was written in 2017, shortly after getting my heart broken. These brought up a lot of emotions and memories of my past trauma. Getting my heart broken was probably the best thing that ever happened to me; this was when I truly stepped into the light. A light has wrapped me in its warm embrace, giving me a life that I know I deserve. I smile more often than not in a life where my dreams are coming true. One morning, I “woke up” and decided not to let my trauma, depression, and anxiety consume my every thought and time. My life is one that I am slowly building, my grand design where only the light is allowed. The darkness is in the past, where it will stay.
Dealing with trauma can be very difficult, but if you put forth the effort to heal from this, you grow stronger as a person. Self-care is essential and should never be put on hold because you are worth the care. Remember to confront the trauma, take baby steps and live a life of your grand design. Only then will that trauma seem like a distant memory.
Please do not hesitate to reach out to me if you need a virtual shoulder to cry on or let out your thoughts. Also, if you are suicidal, please call the Suicide Prevention Hotline (U.S.) at 1-800-273-8255 or dial 9-1-1. Getting help makes you stronger; please do not listen to what society says all the time.
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